Life has challenges...

Same shirt. 7 months difference. 

 

 Life isn't easy.  Life has many challenges, and usually those times are the times that get me extremely down, depressed, and my anxiety acts up.  My coping skills were to usually eat.  Eat until I was miserable, then sleep. Not healthy at all.  I have done this for the last 12 years to cope with any hardships that life threw at me.  Really helped, right?  Sure....helped me get to 428 lbs.

     This weekend has been one of these life challenges.  I have struggled, I have felt the old familiar dread feeling arise a few times.  I have fought back the urge to eat unhealthy, carbohydrate loaded breads, bagels, pasta, etc.  I have struggled with my anxiety.  Replaying the horror of losing our family's favorite pet, Hershey Kiss.  I can't stop replaying the horror in my mind.   It wears on my emotions, which in turn challenges my eating and exercising that is still pretty new to me.  It's new to me to turn to other ways to cope with my emotions.  I've really had to push myself these last several days.  I will be the first to admit that I am NOT perfect or a professional....far from it.

     We went on a small family vacation to get away from the routine and life.  We arrived at a beautiful hotel in Rogers, Arkansas.  I get so mad at myself sometimes that I allow anxiety to dictate the happiness of life sometimes....this may not make sense to most, but to me it's very real.  I've learned that praying and being out in the sunshine has always helped, and eating was always a comfort (even though for a short time).  BUT NOW, eating wrong isn't an option for me.  Not an option to fall back to my old habits, NOT an option.  I refuse to allow myself to go backwards.

     We rented a boat and got in the open sunshine.  It was amazing, and also scary for me since I have a phobia of water.  But, to hear my boys laughing and having a good time was worth every single ounce of anxiety I was experiencing on the lake.

Beaver Lake, Arkansas

     I also made myself, yes MADE myself, do a cross fit routine in my hotel room.  I'm not completely ready to go to the hotel fitness center....I might feel brave enough by tomorrow.  It's not like I can just walk in a fitness center and not feel eyes on me....those muscle bound, fit yoga pants wearing strangers don't know I have worked hard for almost 8 months and I used to be almost 85 lbs heavier.  All they see is the long road I still have to travel, losing another 100lbs. I shouldn't let that bother me, but it does, just is the way it is with me. I can't explain it, so I won't try.

I always ask for bunless hamburgers!  This one was so good!

I have to make myself see the beauty in life, NOT the horror.

    I did a simple routine that's a  21-15-9 routine in cross fit...it is basically 21 of each maneuver and then 15 of it, then 9 of it....and you can have several maneuvers.  I chose sit ups, push ups and air squats.  I usually don't make up any of my routines, The Blonde Goddess does it all for me, thank goodness!   I couldn't believe I actually was doing this when I was in the midst of it....really?  what has happened to me?  I wanted to order a huge platter of french fries from room service and instead I was forcing my body to do cross fit in my room. I was praying to Jesus to help me with my anxiety that was still trying to ruin my day....the sweating, heavy breathing and shortness of breath actually does help. I have also made myself walk over 5,000 steps each day...

not much?  ya, it is to me since I used to only walk close to 700 steps in a day. Sad, but so true.

 

     Life is so hard.  But, I am slowly, SLOWLY learning to deal with the hard times a different way than I did for years.  It's NOT EASY.  I still have my extremely hard days and I still stumble.  But, it's better to stumble and get up than to stumble and stay down.

Melanie :)

   

Me and Hershey in 2017....I weighed my highest weight.