Who am I now?

   

July 20, 2018

I woke up this morning, and didn't feel good at all.  I had to text my cross fit trainer, AKA The Blonde Goddess,  and cancel my 5th workout for this week..(I go 5 days a week).  I felt so guilty and kind of sad that I was going to miss, but I knew I couldn't make it. Then, I stopped and realized....WHO am I????  Just a few short months ago, I was trying to NOT wake up early, I only wanted to sleep and not face the day!  I would do anything to not face the mornings.  I hate mornings still, but for the past 12 years, I've hated them to the point I can't even explain.  Anxiety and depression ruled my brain, every waking moment.

     I remember a time when I wouldn't want to even go to the grocery store to pick up my anxiety medication because I had to walk from my vehicle, across the parking lot and allll the way back to the pharmacy!  Thank goodness there were chairs I could sit on when I got there!  It doesn't seem like that long ago!!  I know to some people, walking a short distance isn't a big deal.  But, my life had now consisted of strategy sessions in my mind anytime I was to go somewhere....on "where can I sit? How far is it to walk?  Will it be too far?  What if I fall???"

     Twelve years ago, my life was brought to a halt, and I couldn't breathe.  My best friend, my Hero, and my role model went to Heaven.  My Mom.  She was amazing. I felt like everything in my life now was covered in a dark cloud of doom.  A little dramatic?  Maybe, but not really.  I had to push myself to do simple tasks!  I had 3 sons to take care of and that was almost impossible most days.

     Today, I want to start the process of helping anyone I can. I am not anyone special!  I'm just an almost 49 year old Mom of 3 boys, a wife of almost 25 years that is daily working on the road to a better life! I hit this road hard and started off on December 2017.... sure has it turns, curves, steep hills, dark valleys, and a LOT OF bridges to cross!!!!!

I would love to share my 'eh' moments, my "I DID IT!" moments, and any tips I might come across!  I'm real.  I'm not fake, and I don't candy coat things I say! (This can get me in trouble in past! hehehe) I will answer any questions, honestly.  I don't lie.

 NO, I am not a professional!  NO, I do NOT have all the answers to anything! NO, I am not to my goal!  FAR from it!!!! It is very hard for me to be so exposed, to let people know how much weight I gained since my Mom's death in 2006.  Not sure why?  It's not like I was really able to HIDE the fact I was obese! I tried to make up for the fact I was so out of shape and huge with amazing cosmetics and hair!  I'm pretty sure I wasn't fooling anyone....hahaha, and I know I wasn't fooling myself.  I felt every single pound. I felt every single person's eyes on me too....but, I still wasn't ready to face the fact I was in need of help.

     So, some people have asked me if I had a "moment when it clicked".  What clicked??? I mean, I KNEW I needed helped, I knew I was in bad shape!  I had a moment that "clicked" all the time, several 100 times I suppose!  I spent time and money on all of these moments!  Always thinking, THIS IS GOING TO BE IT!  This time, I'm going to get in shape! This time I'm going to lose this weight finally!  I had TONS of moments that clicked.....but, I never followed through.  I always fell back into my depression....fell back into my comfort zone of eating....anything, and lots of it. So, NOPE, I can't share a moment when it "clicked" for me. I, personally, think that's crazy. Only thing clicking around me was my knees. hehehe....

     December 1, 2017, I hired a personal trainer.  I had met this Cross Fit trainer only a few days before.  I think I sweated a couple of pounds just meeting her.  She is gorgeous.  She's in perfect shape, I mean she's amazing.   I was completely intimated to tears.  Who was I kidding????  She wouldn't want to help an old woman who weighed 428 lbs, and couldn't walk.  But, she did.  She was very sweet, very knowledgeable, and seemed to be very caring. So, I hired this blonde goddess, and decided....eh, I'll give her a couple of cross fit sessions to realize I'm beyond help.  I, actually remember asking her one time after my 2nd session of modified cross fit if I disgusted her..I mean, why wouldn't I?  I disgusted myself.  She was shocked I asked and answered, "NO!  I will NOT let you feel sorry for yourself!"  Well, ok.... she had me at "YOU can do this!"

     I'm sharing a video of my 4th cross fit session, it was December 15, 2017.   It is incredibly embarrassing for me to watch, let alone share.  I was doing "bur-pees" to a 30" box...and walking....YES, walking around to 4 of these wood 30" boxes.....I weighed 428 lbs.

Bur-pee on the floor! 

First bur-pee to 30" box, 428 lbs

   

THIS week, I did Bur-pees to the floor, and I actually JUMPED afterwards!  The 2nd video I'm sharing is me JUMPING after my floor bur-pee...hahaha, you can tell I was shocked at the air under my feet! I mean, there was AIR under my feet!   It's been 7 months of HARD work and tracking every single bite I eat!  I've lost 80 lbs so far and I still have a long road to go....

BUT, my goal is to let EVERYONE know that IF I CAN do this....anyone can!  I mean....I was 428 lbs!  I am 48 years old! So, here's the first of many videos, photos, recipes, etc. I hope to share.  Stay with me as I travel this long dirt road to my ultimate goal of losing another 100-150 lbs!!!! I just completed my 310th cross fit session.....yep, the Blonde Goddess didn't give up on me yet, and she's still putting up with my whining, crying, moaning, and flat out griping!  .....Let's travel my road together!


Melanie :)