Living my 2nd "Firsts".....

   

Me on my Anniversary in a BOUTIQUE blouse! 

 Today I took my boys to their first day of school for this 2018-2019 year.  As I drove away, trying not to cry at the thought that my sons are growing up way too fast, I found myself also shocked at the fast way Summer flew by!  I can't believe I have a Sophomore in High School, and my baby is now an 8th grader!  My oldest son turned 24 this summer, and I am so proud of how my 3 boys are growing up in to strong and amazing young men.  However, I am saddened that I missed several years being so depressed and anxious, I feel sometimes I let them down.  I didn't do as much with them as I could have. This makes me very guilty and sad.

      As I drove home, I recollected over our summer together, me and my boys and my family.  We are so blessed to have each other and for us to be healthy.  I remember the laughter and the good times we packed in to the few months!  There were days all we did was stay at home and argue, irritate each other, and complain.  Ha, but those days are still better than the days I used to live in my bed with my head covered wishing for night time.

      This summer, I had a lot of 2nd firsts! What are 2nd firsts? These are things I did for the first time in a LONG time!  One such 2nd first was going swimming.  In a pool...real pool....with other people around...that I didn't know!  I haven't been in a pool for almost 15 years.  I don't especially enjoy water.  I think I watched a movie when I was young...I'm SURE I wasn't supposed to be watching it....I'm sorry Mama.....and it has created a phobia in me about water ever since.  Pools, Lakes, and definitely the ocean (when I saw it the first time) petrify me!  But, when my youngest boy asked me with his big blue eyes to go swimming with him at the hotel pool one afternoon, I couldn't resist.

     I pulled out my swimming suit that I purchased a year or so ago for an insane amount of money. They don't sell Big Girl swimming suits very cheap! I remember that day, I had signed up to take a water aerobics class in another town (DUH!) and needed a suit.  I finally found one that would fit me, and the store was pretty proud of it! $243 proud! Bless my Prince Charming, he always supports me in any way and told me to buy that suit for my class.  I went one time.

      I put on that swimming suit, it was actually a little too big! I went to the hotel swimming pool, hot tub and I had a blast with my boy. This is what lifetime "dieters" like me call a NSV--non scale victory.  :)  I am now not going to refer to these as NSV's...these are my 2nd firsts of living the rest of my life! Side Note, I wasn't even afraid of Green Peace being called to "Save The Whale" this time! HEHEHE

      I also went bowling with my family!  I don't remember the last time I went bowling! It was a blast, and I might add, I'm still pretty good! I took bowling in college (28 years ago) because I had to have a PE credit, and I was looking for an easy one. Hehehe, I remember the basement bowling alley wall getting a big chunk taken out of it with my off sided gutter ball one day...I wonder if that wall still has the hole I created at Fort Hays State University? ooops..
   I should donate to those Alumni letters I get?

    I worked out with my 16 year old for the FIRST time ever!  We have never done any exercise together.  He's the Mini Me of his Dad, my Prince Charming in all aspects of being athletic.  He always has been!  My 16 year old actually did a cross-fit workout with me, and it was one of the high lights of my summer!

      Another attribute my 16 year old inherited from his Daddy is the ability to never take a good picture. Sorry, it's true. HAHA.


     I also shopped in a fancy Boutique.  YEP, you read that right!  I shopped at a BOUTIQUE...you know the ones that are for women who are "normal" sized....you walk in and you find something on a clothes rack and you try it on....and then you buy it?  YEP, that has been a LONG time since I have done that. I bought some amazing blouses and I LOVED every minute of it! I had to get some jewelry to match too ya know!  Again, I love my Prince Charming so much...he spoils me. 

     This summer my sons had birthdays, and my Prince Charming and I celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary.  I'm determined to lose another 100 lbs and hit my goal by the end of next summer...and I'm going to enjoy every single day in the meantime doing a LOT of 2nd firsts!


Melanie :)

UPDATE:  Today, I have lost a hair under 90lbs.  8/20/2018 Life is good.
   
   

Life has challenges...

Same shirt. 7 months difference. 

 

 Life isn't easy.  Life has many challenges, and usually those times are the times that get me extremely down, depressed, and my anxiety acts up.  My coping skills were to usually eat.  Eat until I was miserable, then sleep. Not healthy at all.  I have done this for the last 12 years to cope with any hardships that life threw at me.  Really helped, right?  Sure....helped me get to 428 lbs.

     This weekend has been one of these life challenges.  I have struggled, I have felt the old familiar dread feeling arise a few times.  I have fought back the urge to eat unhealthy, carbohydrate loaded breads, bagels, pasta, etc.  I have struggled with my anxiety.  Replaying the horror of losing our family's favorite pet, Hershey Kiss.  I can't stop replaying the horror in my mind.   It wears on my emotions, which in turn challenges my eating and exercising that is still pretty new to me.  It's new to me to turn to other ways to cope with my emotions.  I've really had to push myself these last several days.  I will be the first to admit that I am NOT perfect or a professional....far from it.

     We went on a small family vacation to get away from the routine and life.  We arrived at a beautiful hotel in Rogers, Arkansas.  I get so mad at myself sometimes that I allow anxiety to dictate the happiness of life sometimes....this may not make sense to most, but to me it's very real.  I've learned that praying and being out in the sunshine has always helped, and eating was always a comfort (even though for a short time).  BUT NOW, eating wrong isn't an option for me.  Not an option to fall back to my old habits, NOT an option.  I refuse to allow myself to go backwards.

     We rented a boat and got in the open sunshine.  It was amazing, and also scary for me since I have a phobia of water.  But, to hear my boys laughing and having a good time was worth every single ounce of anxiety I was experiencing on the lake.

Beaver Lake, Arkansas

     I also made myself, yes MADE myself, do a cross fit routine in my hotel room.  I'm not completely ready to go to the hotel fitness center....I might feel brave enough by tomorrow.  It's not like I can just walk in a fitness center and not feel eyes on me....those muscle bound, fit yoga pants wearing strangers don't know I have worked hard for almost 8 months and I used to be almost 85 lbs heavier.  All they see is the long road I still have to travel, losing another 100lbs. I shouldn't let that bother me, but it does, just is the way it is with me. I can't explain it, so I won't try.

I always ask for bunless hamburgers!  This one was so good!

I have to make myself see the beauty in life, NOT the horror.

    I did a simple routine that's a  21-15-9 routine in cross fit...it is basically 21 of each maneuver and then 15 of it, then 9 of it....and you can have several maneuvers.  I chose sit ups, push ups and air squats.  I usually don't make up any of my routines, The Blonde Goddess does it all for me, thank goodness!   I couldn't believe I actually was doing this when I was in the midst of it....really?  what has happened to me?  I wanted to order a huge platter of french fries from room service and instead I was forcing my body to do cross fit in my room. I was praying to Jesus to help me with my anxiety that was still trying to ruin my day....the sweating, heavy breathing and shortness of breath actually does help. I have also made myself walk over 5,000 steps each day...

not much?  ya, it is to me since I used to only walk close to 700 steps in a day. Sad, but so true.

 

     Life is so hard.  But, I am slowly, SLOWLY learning to deal with the hard times a different way than I did for years.  It's NOT EASY.  I still have my extremely hard days and I still stumble.  But, it's better to stumble and get up than to stumble and stay down.

Melanie :)

   

Me and Hershey in 2017....I weighed my highest weight.